Let’s talk about plastic bags.

No, not the ones you get at the grocery store. I mean the only types of bags allowed in sporting events across the nation. The clear ones that they used to make middle schoolers use after the Columbine shooting.

Trust me, I’ve never given a second thought to these either, at least not until a few weeks ago.

So there we were, my wife and I, on a cold Tuesday night trying to figure out how to get out of one of the city’s new parking garages. Specifically, the one directly across the street from the main entrance to Propst Arena at the Von Braun Center.

I have two comments on that parking garage. One, despite using it half a dozen times or more, I still feel like a rat in maze anytime I’m trying to find an exit out to the street. Two, the only elevators that ever seem to function are the ones located on the far opposite side of wherever I’ve parked. And, of course, the only parking spots we ever seem to find are on the top two levels. The thing is practically brand new, how can the elevators already be broken?

We were running that rat race because we got a couple tickets to a Havoc game. Eventually, we made our way out of the parking garage, across the street and started to go through security.

Whenever I go somewhere like a stadium or really any place that’s going to a large gathering point for the general public, I’ve never given any consideration to whether that place is going to have metal detectors or some form of security at the door. I just assume they are and I’ll just leave my pocketknife in the car.

It’s not something I have to give a lot of thought to because the contents of my pockets don’t change. I carry my keys and a little pocketknife in my right pocket, while my wallet, Air Pods and a pack of gum rides in my left. My cellphone is usually either in my jacket if it’s cold or my back pocket.

That’s probably more than you ever wanted to know about what’s in my pockets, but I wanted to make the point that I have the ability to carry everything I could possibly need at any given time inside the pockets of any pair of pants I put on.

Most women reading this column probably know where I’m going with this, but for the guys, your wife, girlfriend, daughter or female acquaintance can’t do this.

It’s not because women need to carry more things than men. It’s because most of the time I have more storage capacity in my pants than my wife does in any purse/clothing combination she chooses on any given day.

A purse isn’t a fashion accessory. It’s a necessity.

What that means is when we go to a place like a Havoc hockey game my wife has to look up the venue’s rules on what types of purses are allowed into the venue. This can vary widely from place to place, but just about everywhere has some restrictions on what type of purse a woman can bring with them.

This is one of a million things that she must do just to partake in society that I wouldn’t think about in a million years. I know that’s not saying much because many people have described me as dense. They used other words that I can’t necessarily print, but that was their general point.

So, she looked on the website and it had some specifications about sizes and she grabbed one of her small purses that was well within what the venue had listed. I don’t remember the exact dimensions, but it could hold her cellphone, wallet and a tampon. That’s it though.

So, imagine our surprise when we were told at the door that her purse either had to be clear or about the size of a 4x6 photo. A bag that size won’t even fit most cellphones.

Apparently, the clear bag policy had been in place for a while, but since we only go to one or two hockey games a year, and it wasn’t listed on the website, we had no idea.

There was now a choice to be made. Walk back to the parking garage, up three or four flights of stairs (remember the elevators are out), put the purse in the car and then walk back or just go home.

I might walk up four flights of stairs once a day, but I’m not doing it twice.

So, on the way home my wife checked again to see if there was any mention of a clear bag policy that she may have missed. There was not.

Later that night she sent off a few emails to whoever she could find on the contact page for Propst Arena and made a few points.

One, she was not thrilled about the prospect of having to carry a clear bag and allowing everyone to see her carrying things like tampons. Two, it would’ve been nice to know before going through all the trouble of showing up. And, three, this particular policy predominately and unfairly singled out women, which was a pretty bad look in 2022.

She’s right on all counts.

Shortly after her email, the website was changed to reflect the policy, but nobody ever bothered to address the other two points. So allow me.

First, I watch people every single day keep people safe without discriminating against half of the population. It’s possible. And I’m sure there’s some middle ground between allowing 4x6 postcard and banning anything larger that could be more accommodating and not force women to make so many compromises just to attend a sporting event. Sports in general don’t have the best track record when it comes to inclusion and the blanket “clear bag” policies are just another example.

Secondly, I urge every man out there to just start carrying his wife’s or girlfriend’s tampons into sporting events for them. They’ll easily fit in our pockets, even with all the other stuff we have in there.

Personally, I’ll gladly throw those bad boys down in the bin you empty your pockets in before you go through the metal detector and dare the person working the door to say something about it. I promise I can make things a lot more awkward and uncomfortable than they can imagine, and I’ll get a kick out of it. Knowing me, I’d probably fit a whole box full in my pockets and leave all of them there but one or two.

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